Everywhere I go, I see these stickers—I’m sure you’ve seen them—the ones reminding us to “be kind.”
Every time I see them I ask myself: what does it mean to be kind?
These moments serve as a reminder of the tension between the modern cultural push toward “kindness,” and Jesus’ example, which I see as far more complex than two words.
Was Jesus Kind?
Last time I checked with my kid’s school, name-calling was on their list of no-nos. Most people would also consider name-calling unkind…
And yet, Jesus was a name-caller. He called the Pharisees “whitewashed tombs” in Matthew 23:27. Was that kind?
Well, it wasn’t “kind” in the soft, sentimental sense we often associate with the word today. But it was truthful, purposeful, and ultimately loving in the deeper sense: His goal was to expose hypocrisy so that people could turn toward God.
But if Jesus were here today and said this, would people accept it? Or would the masses chastise him, and remind him to “be kind?”
The Biblical Definition of Kindness
When we ask, what does it mean to be kind biblically? The answer isn’t found in slogans or surface-level kindness.
Scripture tells us that kindness is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).
This means it isn’t just a personality trait or a social skill—it flows directly from God’s character, alive in us through the Spirit.
And because it’s Spirit-led, kindness doesn’t wear only one face.
Sometimes it looks like gentle compassion: tending wounds, forgiving offenses, offering mercy.
Other times, it takes the shape of bold truth: confronting sin, setting boundaries, calling out hypocrisy.
That’s why biblical kindness cannot be reduced to “never upsetting anyone.” If that were the standard, Jesus Himself didn’t live up to it.
True kindness is love in action—sometimes tender, sometimes tough, but always aimed at another person’s good.
When Jesus Showed Gentle Kindness
These are the moments that align most closely with what we typically think of as “kindness”:
- Healing the sick (Matthew 8:1–4; Luke 17:11–19) — meeting physical needs with compassion.
- Feeding the hungry (Mark 6:30–44; Matthew 15:32–39) — caring for practical needs.
- Forgiving the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1–11) — offering mercy instead of condemnation.
- Blessing children (Mark 10:13–16) — valuing those whom society overlooked.
- Comforting the grieving (John 11:33–44) — weeping with those who mourn.
- Washing the disciples’ feet (John 13:1–17) — humble service, even to those who would betray Him.
When Jesus Showed Confrontational Kindness
These moments don’t look “kind,” but they were loving because they called people to truth:
- Calling the Pharisees “whitewashed tombs” (Matthew 23:27) — exposing hypocrisy for the sake of repentance.
- Driving out the money changers (John 2:13–17; Matthew 21:12–13) — protecting God’s house from corruption.
- Rebuking Peter (“Get behind me, Satan!” Matthew 16:23) — confronting a friend’s misguided thinking.
- Warning of judgment (Matthew 11:20–24; Luke 13:1–5) — strong words aimed at calling people back to God.
- Testing the rich young ruler (Mark 10:17–22) — challenging his attachment to wealth, even though it sent him away sad.
- Speaking hard truths to the crowds (John 6:53–66) — many left Him, but He didn’t soften the message to keep followers.
Is Love Kind?
Jesus’ kindness was not “one-size-fits-all.”
He discerned what love required in each moment: comfort for the broken, correction for the arrogant, truth for the confused.
That’s why biblical kindness is deeper than the cultural call to simply “be kind.”
In the Gospels, Jesus’ actions and words flowed from love, but love doesn’t always look like politeness. Sometimes it looks like healing and compassion; other times, it looks like confrontation and courage.
His standard wasn’t “be kind.” It was “do the will of the Father” and “love in truth.”
Modern Kindness vs. Biblical Kindness
To make the difference clear, here’s a side-by-side comparison of modern kindness and biblical kindness.
| Aspect | Modern Kindness | Biblical Kindness |
| Definition | Politeness; avoiding offense; making others feel comfortable | Spirit-led love expressed in truth and action, even when it challenges |
| Primary Goal | Maintain harmony, keep peace at all costs | Seek another’s true good, even if it risks conflict |
| Motivation | Fear of rejection, desire to be liked, social conformity | Obedience to God, genuine love for neighbor, commitment to truth |
| Tone | Gentle, agreeable, non-confrontational | Gentle or firm, depending on what love requires |
| Examples in Practice | Smiling and nodding when someone is wrong, flattery, silence to avoid offense | Speaking truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), correcting sin (Galatians 6:1), serving sacrificially (Luke 10:25–37) |
| Jesus’ Example | Not the goal; Jesus was not always “kind” | Healed, forgave, and blessed; but also rebuked, cleansed the temple, and warned of judgment |
| Outcome | Short-term comfort, long-term harm (truth avoided) | Short-term discomfort sometimes, long-term growth, healing, and salvation |
Applying Biblical Kindness Today
Here are some thoughts on how to apply biblical kindness today:
- Discern the Person’s Posture
- Broken, hurting, or humble? Gentle kindness is usually best: listening, comforting, encouraging.
- Proud, arrogant, or harmful? Confrontational kindness may be needed: truth-telling, boundaries, correction.
- Check Your MotiveAsk: Am I speaking to protect my ego, or to seek the true good of the other person?
- Choose the Right Expression
- Gentle Kindness: listening without judgment, practical help, encouragement, bearing with others’ weaknesses (Romans 15:1).
- Confrontational Kindness: naming sin, refusing to enable harm, speaking truth humbly (Ephesians 4:15), holding others accountable out of love.
- Accept Short-Term Discomfort for Long-Term GoodModern kindness often avoids discomfort; biblical kindness sometimes embraces it for the sake of healing.
- Stay Rooted in the SpiritKindness is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23), not just a personality trait. Prayer and discernment are essential.
Reframing Confrontational Kindness
It’s taken me a lifetime to come to any sort of understanding about how people change—mostly from creating change within my own life (I’ll note here that my understanding is ever evolving…).
Often, people will say to a friend: “I think this relationship is unhealthy for you.” What I’ve seen is this approach usually creates resistance, resentment, and sometimes, broken friendships.
Why? Because “I think” statements are really about my judgment of your situation. And in many cases, it’s not my business to judge, but to help you discern for yourself.
Instead of: “I think this relationship is unhealthy for you,” we might first ask the person if they are open to examining their relationship.
Gaining their consent at the start of the conversation is a great way to create openness for reflection and introspection.
Then you might invoke curiosity and ask something like: “What does a healthy relationship look like for you?” or “When you look at your relationship, what do you see?”
These questions don’t impose judgment but invite reflection and self-discovery. As you listen, stay open to what the Spirit shares too.
If I am going to truly challenge someone, I will often even ask for permission to do that as well.
“Would it be alright if I challenge that thought you just shared?”
Or, “Do you think there’s another way to look at that? If they say yes, then follow up with,, “May I share how I see this?”
That’s where I’ve seen true change happen—not me telling someone their relationship is unhealthy, but them realizing it for themselves. And if I do directly challenge them, to do it with kindness through consent.
That’s still confrontational kindness—not avoiding the hard topic—but it’s done in a way that honors autonomy and gently guides a person toward truth instead of just calling them out.
Judgmental Confrontation: “I know what’s best for you.”
Biblical/Counseling-Oriented Confrontation: “I care about you, and I want to walk with you as you examine this honestly.”
A Note on Evangelical Outreach
This same principle applies to how we share our faith.
Too often, I see believers try to impose their beliefs on others—telling them what they should believe. This rarely goes well.
What if, instead of telling people what to believe, we started by asking where they are?
- “What do you believe?”
- “What has shaped those beliefs?”
That’s the posture of biblical kindness: not pushing, but walking alongside someone as they discover truth.
Closing Thoughts
True kindness isn’t about being kind. It’s about love expressed in truth—sometimes gentle, sometimes confrontational, always led by the Spirit.
It’s not the easy way, but it is Jesus’ way.
What do you believe?
